Relationships - When is it ok to start over/have a second chance?

 In pursuit of a publishing house for my life’s story, I came across some words written on one of the sites saying that most publishing houses will only publish something that has been written by an established author… Which in some way irritates me as there must be some unpublished and talented authors out there who will remain hidden due to this rule, however the understanding that one has in reality pursued the dream for the love, and not the money may make the final goal attainable if that very rule is followed.

So here goes..
This is the first writing encompassing the life of me, with preferably a pseudonym if total honesty is on the cards, which I would find more entertaining as a reader.
The types of stories or tales I write are from the heart and there are no pretences. They are based on actual events and are open to comment, but not ridicule.
I am not seeking validation for my actions, and there is certainly no negative connotations in any shape or form portrayed either on purpose or by accident, but I think you will be sufficiently amused to want to know what will happen next in the very odd world of Vladimir Rovsnovsky.

To lay a foundation of who and what I am about.
Imagine a mid 30’s, well closer to the 40 mark, who is now unashamedly and openly bisexual, but not like the typical screaming queen, “het uit die vokken kas gemoer” boys. If asked I will reply honestly, otherwise it is a “who gives a fuck” attitude on my part.

I am fairly good looking, both my men and women’s standard ratings: from the, “hm.. Not bad!”,… “Hmmmmm!! I wouldn’t mind having that cock in my mouth”! …to now the most recent and most flattering words, “Oh my God, in all my years I have never”…. “You have ruined me for any other man”… and the most flattering… “every woman should have the chance to have you just once”
I have a heart of gold and treat my partner like a queen, (again not that type), cook, clean, love, incredible lover, support, cherish… blah, blah, blah!! Yes, the typical romantic devotee. But have experienced the hardships of heartbreak, when she decided it was “quitting time at the Mill”. This all being brought on after 10 years of marriage.
Yes my friends… ouch!... I agree! Who in their right mind will wanna leave me…

Suffice it to say that I have sufficiently recovered form this devastating ending of my world when I had my heart unceremoniously ripped out of my chest on the 29th January 2009… part of the story “Strange affair” (still in production - see press later for further details on the book to be launched on this very screwed up time in my life).

Which brings me to the topic of discussion; “What is the time period for mourning the loss of a loved one… being either by death or standard break up or divorce” and “The signs are always there, we just are sometimes too blind to see”.

(6 days shy of a 13 year relationship)

On the most auspicious day in my life, (which is to also be considered as the worst day in regards to failed relationships) I sit in court with a whole bunch of people; all herded together like sheep, waiting to change their lives one more time.
It is sad when I look around at all the different faces and see the almost “non chelant” expressions. Some of them wanted to be here, and others did not. Some of them are shocked at the situation and some have been forced into it. Some people are joking and some are reading. Some are talking to there accompanied support system, and laughing; an assortment of people, all of us encompassing our recent adopted heritage of a “rainbow nation”, all waiting in line to get a divorce, all waiting to remove a part of our selves.
For what ever reason they have, they have been brought here for one main reason and that is to legally remove and association with a former spouse.
It is shocking, that the process in getting divorced is simple and quite easy actually. My total cost being R250 with fuel included. All because I did it all myself as I wanted nothing more from my former life partner and maybe by doing it myself, allowed me a process to recover at the phenomenal rate that I did.

I still cry to certain songs and movies and even sometimes just break down…. But that is all “par for the course” and I certainly have been doing so even less… I have even stopped talking about her as much… I have moved on… in 5 months…
I will always love her specially and deeply and will always treasure the entire marriage from beginning to end. I learnt so much and am grateful for that.

But here I am tearing up inside with emotions blurring my vision and not in tear but in the speed that my thoughts are rushing through my brain. I can’t seem to keep up and my heart rate is increased as I feel the finality of the act is beyond my control.
Such a loss of many years and such a wake up call.
I find that the revelation in my relationship with more than infidelity, betrayal, deceit and depression taking central stage; it is the waste… all the waste… of pre-dreamt paths and plans all going to shit… It is the waste of precious time that could have been spent with more truth and genuine reality.
Such a sad situation living in a blinding fantasy. So powerful that it clouded all sight…. ALL SIGHT!!
I saw nothing… I was so in love, I WAS love.

So, back to the topic at hand: “when is the time for mourning for the loss of a loved one, over?”

Perhaps I should ask the question in the converse manner; “when is it ok to move on?” which doesn’t necessarily mean mourning is completed, but does mean that emotions and love are no longer available to the lost party
In answer to this I have to tap into my own life and draw inspiration and explanation.
Perhaps my question is far too broad based and perhaps I should categorise a little further. (For the life of me I can’t think of any other word to better describe the following criteria)

1. What type of personality are you?
For example are you a shy little mouse that is only effective in work if you are in a quite, out of the way office, where you can just “get on with it” **These people are NOT deadline based and are often the forgotten workforce that maintain the general mundane, allowing the companies “cogs” to chug along smoothly… These people are usually emotional wrecks if they are ever verbally confronted**…. on the other hand and out going person, the typical “A” type personality, who takes on the world with full force and is certainly never afraid of the unknown usually takes matters of work stress and intolerance in their daily stride. But in respect to the matters of the heart there may be very different reactions on both typical personalities.
2. What type of work do you do?
In the “getting down to the basics” we have to consider the issues of work and the stresses related to it. a) is your job what you want to do, or have you settled?, b) are you happy where you are, and are you being treated fairly? c) is there a life long future for you in this concern?.... the questions are endless and one must consider the recovery time of a lost love one and the impact of the work that you do to whether the event will be momentous or one with a more gentle result.
3. What has happened in your life thus far?
Many of us have gone through changes in our make up, brought on by events along the way. These events can either be a result of, whether indirectly or directly on decisions made by us or involving us. Many seemingly arbitrary happenings along the way occurred for a reason or maybe coincidence is a more advanced statistic that we could have imagined. If one has to consider events both small and large through out ones past, then look at a most recent emotional event. Did something that happened in your distant past either partial or totally prepare you for this recent event, thus allowing you to handle it better that if it had happened a lot sooner…?? I know it sound like a lot of hog wash, but try it.. it works for me.

To summarise the tail of “What is the time period for mourning the loss of a loved one?”, I would have to surmise that as much as we would like to know how long heart ache, inconvenience and mourning could or should be; this also being determined as the whether what society has deemed as socially acceptable time to grieve ones loss or to re-enter into a new committed relationship; we will never be able to equate loss and recovery to time on any level.

An old man who is sitting with a flower in his hand on the bench he used to sit with his long gone wife of 10 years; a tear in his eye as smiles at the memories of all the birthdays celebrated and memories made; on a day so special on the bench where they met all those years ago.
A beautiful middle aged woman giggles in the bath with her lover. Her joy and happiness on a totally new level even though her husband left her for another younger model and sought “greener pastures”. Yet another woman in the same very situation is still lying in bed crying, watching sad movies, forsaking her life…. Slowly digging her own hole, and getting to a point where she won’t be able to get out the hole.
A couple so in love for so many years, who inspired the world to have a relationship just like theirs, suddenly part. And for what ever reason that happened, it did; thus allowing emotional devastation to work its magic, destroying hearts and love to the very core of the soul… Yet in such a short time, both parties, find love and move on… How?

Ah!! Now we are getting to the crux of the matter. How does one move on, get over, come to terms with, etc, etc… It is a simple choice. Yes it is hard, but it has to be done….
Will you move on or not?…., no excuse is needed or even has foundation let alone hold any weight in the argument.
You have a choice on how long you will mourn for, on whether you will move on or not, whether you will forgive or not and whether you can love again.
It is easier to talk to someone, someone who is impartial, who has an ear for you. This will put things is perspective. Remember that life is a gift and is there to be lived. You were meant to do everything that you have done thus far. Don’t deny the universe of what you are supposed to do in the future… Get out there and be you..!!!